"Letters: Before Me Stands Yesterday"

“Letters”
Chapter One: Before Me Stands Yesterday

Ginny sat at the same desk, a million times over, with her quill readied over the parchment. She was only a heartbeat away from writing one letter to him, just one word. Something simple, maybe "We all miss you" or "We hope that you are doing well. Ron tells us you are." She lied to herself as she did every day, every time she sat down to write that same bloody letter; the same one that her heart ached to write, "I love you. I need you. Please come home to me." But no, she wouldn't do that. She wouldn't allow herself to be broken from her reserve.

She watched the ink drip from the sharp tip of her quill as it slowly splashed onto the blank parchment, forming a small, slightly splattered dot. She half wondered if this dot would disappear like another had in a past life, but she didn't want to think about that now. Ginny was stronger than that. She wouldn't let this crowd her thoughts of him.

All it would take was one word to release the flow of sentiments that had been etched into her heart as a result of the countless times she'd thought about what to say to him.

One word, that's all she needed. She knew how the letter would start. But writing it was easier said than done.

Dammit, she thought, why can't I just write it?

She'd thought about him every second of every day. Worried herself over him far too much, yet she couldn't bear to write something as simple as his name on a piece of parchment.

Ginny closed her eyes and tried to ground herself as she breathed deeply and picked up her quill again.

You have to do this, she thought, it’s only fair.

Fair? Since when was this ever any fair to her. He hadn’t written to her in five years time, not since before his final battle with Voldemort. The only thing she knew about him now was from what Ron told her.

Still, Ginny didn’t understand what had happened. One moment she received a letter from him saying that the situation with Voldemort was getting worse; he thought that it might be the last chance he got to write her before all of this was over.

Harry had kindly thanked her for the letters she’d written him, despite the fact that she couldn’t send many. The chances of their letters being intercepted were many and far too risky, so she only wrote him sparingly.

I miss you too, but I’m glad to hear that you’re doing well, was how his reply began. At least you’re safe, that’s what I’m concerned about, he was saying until Ron and Hermione came rushing in, not allowing him to say all the things that he’d wanted to say.

Ginny…he wrote quickly. He was scared; she knew he must’ve been. I just want you to know…that…I love you. Every day, I’ve regretted the fact that we had to break things off…but, the way I feel about you…I’ve never felt this way about anyone else before. I just couldn’t let anything happen to you.

I’m so grateful that I’ve found someone that makes me as happy as you do. You make me want to be a better man, to continue on. You’re my strength, Ginny. I love you.

Ginny could hardly believe what she’d read after receiving the owl. She’d rubbed her eyes until they were red and dry. Maybe he’s just saying this because he doesn’t think he’ll make it through the war, she’d thought. But, as she read the end again, she saw his name there— Yours Forever, Harry.

That was the day she had been waiting for, for a very long time. But after all of these years, it had done nothing except confuse her, sending her emotions spinning out of control. Every day, for four years, she read his letter over and over again, constantly reminding herself of what he’d said, of how he’d felt. He loved her once; she’d known that despite his attempts to keep them apart…but now, things had changed. Maybe this was better for him, to stay away, to have a life that didn’t always remind him of the past.

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After the battle, Ron and Hermione had come back to the Burrow, but he wasn’t with them. He’d told them that he needed some time alone for a few days and they respected that. But a few days had slowly turned into a few years, with no explanation as to why. It was as if he disappeared from their lives without a single word. Then suddenly, Ron received an Owl from Harry. He apologized for not saying anything before leaving, but it was something that he had to do. He said that he’d taken a job with the Ministry in America and… honestly, I don’t know when…or…if I’ll be returning to England, he wrote.

Take care of Hermione, Harry said to Ron. …tell her that I’ll miss her. Tell your family the same and that I wish all of them the best. I’ll keep in touch, but I can’t promise it’ll be very often. I do need a favor from you, mate. Please don’t let anyone other than Hermione read any of the letters that I send. Some of the things that I write to you, I wish to keep private. I know this request seems a little strange, but I have my reasons.

One more thing before I go. Tell Ginny…tell her…I’m sorry.

I’m sorry? What the hell did that mean? Was he sorry for leaving, sorry for leaving me, sorry for telling me that he loved me when he didn’t mean it? Ginny had let these questions run through her mind everyday and though she hated to admit it to everyone around her, the thoughts were torture…and it was slowly killing her inside.

Harry did manage to keep one of his promises. He Owled Ron a few times each year and Ron kept his promise by not sharing the letters with anyone but Hermione, though he always told everyone that Harry sent his best and that he hoped that they were doing well. But what Ron didn’t know was that every time he received an Owl from Harry, Ginny would always find a way of reading it. Everyday, while Ron was away at work, she’d sneak into his room, quietly closing the door behind her. Sitting on the floor in front of Ron’s trunk, she’d open it up and carefully remove her brother’s things until she found the small stack of letters that Harry had sent. There were many times that she’d pour over his letters, with tears streaming down her face. On the same hand, there were times that she was absolutely furious with him; still, she’d never given up on him. She always thought that there’d be a day when he’d finally decide to come back and things would pick up from right where they’d left them…from the time that he told her he loved her.

She laughed at herself; she’d promised once before that she wouldn’t stop ‘living’ just because Harry wasn’t a part of her life, but here she had stood, putting her life on hold, again, for him. There was no doubt in her mind that she loved him and she had been so afraid that if she moved on, she wouldn’t be able to go back, she wouldn’t be able to pick up the pieces as easily.

After four years had passed with no sight of Harry, things hadn’t changed. He still had his job with the Ministry in America and things seemed to always be going well for him, but Ginny knew better. She had suspicions, on more than one occasion that he was putting on a front for Ron, not wanting to be asked, yet another time, for him to come back home and be with the people that loved him.

But Ginny was in no way prepared for the news that came in Harry’s next Owl to Ron. As long as she lived, she would never forget the day that it arrived. She had been helping her mother with some of the chores around the house and as she headed back upstairs to give Ron his clean clothes, she heard him and Hermione having a heated discussion, although it paled in comparison to many of their other rows.

Ginny giggled to herself, thinking that it was just another normal day for the two of them, until she heard Harry’s name mentioned. Her body froze, her feet refusing to move from the spot that she was standing in. She stood as quietly as possible as she listened to the rest of the conversation.

“Ronald Weasley!” Hermione said, trying to keep her voice down. “Why did you have to ask him that? So help me, if Harry stops writing now because of your stupidity, I’ll never forgive you!”

”He won’t stop writing! Harry wouldn’t do that,” Ron finished quietly.

“Yeah…well, we didn’t think he’d actually leave either and look where he is now,” she sighed heavily. “Why did you ask him if he was seeing someone?”

Ginny’s breath caught in her throat at her friend’s question.

“Because,” Ron answered hesitantly, “I heard a couple of guys in the office saying that they’d heard he was seeing a few witches that worked in the Ministry with him; several, in fact.”

Seeing someone? He couldn’t be…he wouldn’t, Ginny thought as tears welled up in her eyes.

“You dolt! You don’t honestly believe them, do you? After all, he and Ginny-”

“I don’t know what to believe anymore, Hermione! That’s why I asked Harry if he was seeing anyone…so I could get the answer straight from him.” Ginny heard Ron’s bed creek as someone sat down. By her guess, she’d say it was her brother, because he was beginning to grow weary as the discussion weighed on him.

“I don’t honestly know what happened between Harry and Ginny. After we came back, she seemed so desperate to see him; even before I received his first Owl, she stayed that way. But when he told me to tell her ‘I’m sorry’…” Ron groaned at the seriousness of it all. “I don’t know what to think…but since then, she’s been a basket case without him. Some days she won’t stop talking about him, and then there are other days that she doesn’t even want to hear his name. You’ve seen her!”

“Yes, I have…and I don’t know what to make of it either. All I can say is, we’ll have to wait and find out if he answers you…but, no matter what, I wouldn’t mention anything to Ginny. That needs to come from Harry, if he is, in fact, seeing someone,” Hermione finished.

He let out a choked sigh, “Believe me, I don’t plan on being the one to break my sister’s heart…and I’ll kill him if he does, best mate or not.”

Ginny heard the creek of the bed again as Ron stood up and began to cross the room. She tried to clear her head from the thoughts of everything she’d just heard. She would’ve knocked on his door to hand him the clothes that she’d brought up, but the thought of seeing her brother’s face was enough to make the tears come again. She sniffled lightly as she quietly set his clothes on the floor in front of his door and then ran downstairs to her room as quickly as she could. She couldn’t let her family see her like this; she wouldn’t.

A few hours later, Ginny sluggishly made her way down to the kitchen to get some pumpkin juice. The house seemed suspiciously quiet…at least it was until she reached the foot of the stairs.

“He can’t be!” screeched Hermione. “Let me see that, Ron.”

Ginny heard Hermione snatch something from his hands. It sounded like parchment rustling and suddenly her fears came flooding back to her mind. Please…please no, she begged in thought.

“I’ve already told you what it said,” Ron huffed.

“I know! But, I want to see it for myself,” came her friend’s voice. “In answer to your question…yes, I have been dating a few women. I’m seeing one, in particular, at the moment. We’ve been casually going out for a month now. I don’t think it’s anything serious, but I do enjoy her company.” Hermione stopped reading the letter and slammed it onto the table. “How dare he do this to her!”

“I’m certainly not happy about it either, but we can’t let on to Ginny that we know anything, do you understand? He said he’d write to her and try to clear things up between the two of them.”

He didn’t leave because he needed to…he left me, Ginny thought as her pale skin became tear-stained. Her heart felt as if it was pounding in her ears and her chest was so tight that she couldn’t breathe. Their voices were muffled in the distance as her gaze became hazy and unclear. She wasn’t supposed to cry…she told herself that she wouldn’t; she’d cried enough over the past four years. No matter what she’d promised herself, it didn’t stop the tears from falling.

“I don’t plan on saying anything until Harry-” Hermione was saying as she and Ron rounded the corner of the kitchen and saw Ginny frozen on the stairwell. “Oh Merlin!” she gasped before covering her mouth.

“Shite…” Ron cursed under his breath. “Ginny?”

She looked up at both of them, barely being able to see their faces. “I wa-…” she tried to speak as her chest began to heave through her ragged breaths. Ginny bit her lip as Ron’s face became clearer and she could see that pitiful look there. It was one that was always meant to be sympathetic but never was, seemingly breaking her heart even more.

Damn these cursed tears. They never stop, she thought as she began to sob uncontrollably.

“Ginny, dear?” came her mother’s voice from the kitchen. “Is that you? Is something the matter?”

She looked to Ron as if she had been betrayed until he realized what she was thinking.

“They haven’t been here,” he whispered. “We haven’t told them anything.”

Ginny shut her eyes tightly and barely spoke with a broken voice, “I can’t do this.”

“Come on,” Hermione breathed as she rushed Ginny upstairs to her room.

The last thing she remembered hearing was Ron acting as if he’d seen a spider and had been the one they’d heard crying. She could hardly think about anything after what she’d just heard, but she would never forget what her brother did for her, no matter how insignificant the moment was.

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Ginny sighed sadly as she wiped the back of her hand against her cheek, attempting to chase away the tears that she’d shed at the thought of the old memories. Everything was still so fresh in her mind. It was almost hard to believe that it had all happened only a year ago. But, she’d pushed the thoughts of Harry away after that night and never looked back.

Finding out Harry had been seeing someone else was hard enough, but never hearing it come directly from him was what made it hurt even more. But the killing blow was that he’d promised Ron that he would send an owl to Ginny explaining things to her…yet even after a year, she still hadn’t received a single letter from him. She often wondered where things had suddenly gone wrong. They had been so much closer than that; why would he avoid talking to her about what he had been going through? Why had he avoided talking to her about everything?

As much as she blamed Harry for being the one who left, for giving up on what they had and seeing other witches, she was to blame for giving up hope. Ginny knew that even though he hadn’t been fair under the circumstances, at least she could be the bigger person and actually tell him that she was seeing someone else.

Her brothers, especially Fred and George, had a tendency to try and keep her mind preoccupied with other things. Every free moment she had suddenly wasn’t free anymore when the two of them were around. Usually, they’d take her to Quidditch matches or they’d ask her to fill in at the shop whenever someone couldn’t make it in for their shift. It was more than a month before she started to gain some strength and confidence in herself and admittedly, Fred and George had a big part in helping her heal.

When it came time for the Quidditch World Cup, her brothers jumped at the chance to take her and Angelina along with them. Of course, Ginny was never one to turn down the opportunity to see a Quidditch match, especially the most important one of the season. That was the day that she ran into Eric.

Eric Summerby had played Seeker for Hufflepuff during their days at Hogwarts and had been three years since she’d last seen him. Ginny honestly didn’t think much of their brief meeting. They had a few good laughs, to her surprise, recalling a game in her fourth year when she played Seeker against him. And before she knew it, he was asking if she would join him for dinner the next night. Who knew that when she’d finally decided to take a step forward and say yes that she’d still be with him after all these months?

Eric was something different, something new. He was kind, gentle and charming even…but he wasn’t Harry.

A pang of guilt tore at her heart as she focused on the blank parchment again. Damnit! Why should I feel so guilty? Ginny huffed, determined to officially bring things to an end once and for all.

Dipping her quill into the ink, she wrote, Harry… The scratching of the quill’s tip was sharp and heavy with every stroke across the parchment. It’s been five years since, she continued until a tapping on the nearest window distracted her.

Giving a frustrated sigh, she laid down her quill and walked toward the window, opening it for a tiny owl. As it hopped inside, Ginny reached down to untie the letter from its leg and then gave it a small treat before sending it on its way again.

Looking down, she saw Ron’s name scribbled on the outside and without even thinking, she immediately recognized the handwriting. There was none like his and it was quite hard to mistake, Ginny thought as she walked up the stairs to Ron’s room.

In the past, she would’ve been anxious to find out what he’d written, but gone were the days that she waited for him. It doesn’t matter anymore, she told herself as she knocked lightly on Ron’s door.

“Come in,” her brother’s voice called. He turned his gaze toward her as she opened the door, thinking that she seemed rather quiet today. “You all right Sis? Everything okay?”

Ginny gave him a small smile and extended her arm, showing him the letter. “You received an Owl a minute ago…just thought you’d want it.”

“Thanks Gin…I wonder who it’s from? I’m not expecting anything,” Ron inquired.

As he gently took the letter from her, her eyes softened on his face and said, “It’s…from him.”

Ron’s head jerked up from staring at the unopened letter, “Oh. I- well…er…”

“It’s okay, Ron. He’s moved on and so have I,” she shrugged lightly. Wanting desperately to change the subject, she said the first thing that came to her mind. “When is Hermione coming by?”

He seemed to be a bit flustered and stumbled over his words, “Er…she…erm…should be here…s-soon.”

“Good. I haven’t seen her since last week. It’ll be good to visit with her.” Ginny smiled again and opened the door but stopped as she heard his voice.

“Are you not going out today?”

“No,” came her quiet response. “I’ve got plans tomorrow night…for now, I just feel like resting. A Pepperup Potion can only do so much after being ill, you know.”

Ron nodded and watched as his sister left the room as quietly as she’d entered. He did worry about her, sometimes more these days than he ever had before, but he knew he had no reason to; at least, no clear reason to worry so.

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“I’m not giving it to her,” Ron said, clenching his jaw tight. “She’s finally been able to have a life of her own. I’m not going to let this mess it up for her.”

“Ronald Bilius Weasley! You’d better give that to her! Whatever it says, she needs to read it,” Hermione bit back.

“You heard what he wrote to me. My guess is that her letter says something of the same. Don’t get me wrong, I love Harry like a brother, he’s my best mate, but I will not let him come in here and destroy everything that she’s built up over the last year. She’s finally getting her life back on track.”

“Well, you shouldn’t make the decision for her. Give it to her and let her decide if she wants to read it or not.”

He gritted his teeth, stubbornly giving in, “Fine. But, I’m not giving it to her until the morning, before we leave for Diagon Alley. She doesn’t need both of us harping on her. Agreed?”

Hermione waved her hand absentmindedly as she turned to leave his room, “Fine…agreed.”

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“Hey Ginny, we’re about to head off to Diagon Alley. Are you sure you don’t want to come with us? You won’t get lonely being here all by yourself?” Hermione asked, wrapping the cloak around her.

“I’m sure. The peace and quiet will be nice. Besides, I have a bit of cleaning up to do around here and then Eric and I have plans for tonight,” Ginny answered.

“Erm…Gin, before we go…er, y-you know that yesterday I got an Owl from…Harry,” Ron spoke unsurely and she nodded in acknowledgement.

“Well, he…erm…sent this,” Ron handed a letter to her, “to you.”

“You don’t have to read it…that is unless you want to,” Hermione said as she placed her hands firmly on Ginny’s shoulders.

Giving a nod, she looked at both of them, “Thank you for telling me. I know it wasn’t easy to do,” she finished, looking at her brother.

“I’m just trying to look out for you, Gin,” he said sincerely.

“I know,” said Ginny, letting a kind smile pull at the corner of her mouth. “Now go on, have a good time in Diagon Alley…I know you’re just itching to buy me something nice.”

Ron chuckled at her and stepped into the Floo after Hermione disappeared, following in suit.

Now alone in the house with nothing standing between her and his letter, she closed her eyes to steady herself before sitting down at the wooden table and picking up the folded parchment.

She stared at her name, as if she was imagining it being there in some dream; none of it seemed real to her until she picked it up, unfolded it and began to read…Dearest Ginny…

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.....continued here  (sorry, LJ said the post was too long. Pah.)